A new day... Yay!
Day two: Not bad... yay!
The morning started rough with at least three different hurdles to overcome. In all this, I finally broke down and had a good cry. I let it out of my system and allowed myself to get angry. But not bad angry... more like adrenaline angry. I ignored the ridiculous comments by husband and Yah yah'd him along. After all, I know he doesnt have the sympathy or the answers for my problems. He tried to apologize for being all assish with me earlier when all I needed was some support, and all I could think of was that new song that came out "too little... too late" by Jojo. I got dressed in my all that attitude while he asked stupid questions like, "why did you buy more flowers? Did you know we already have those flowers in the back yard, your mom was wondering why you bought more of the same flowers... hello?" As I put on my make up I yah, yah'd him along and put on my most "damn Im fine" look in the mirror... granted I need a hair cut, im over weight, and in the middle of PMS so Im braking out all over... but none of that mattered, cause I was angry. I was a warrior destined for greatness. I just needed to remember that this was just another battle. I finished, said goodbye (as dryly as possible) and ran (literally) ran out of the house, heels and all. I probably looked like a little girl running to my car, but I didnt care, I ran for dear life. I needed to get away.
Remembering that I didnt have breakfast, I stopped and got myself some coffee and a bagel w/butter. No, its not on the weight watchers plan... but I accounted for it. I just have to watch myself the rest of the day. I decided that I wasnt gonna complain about my husband anymore and just wait. Wait for him to leave. I dont think he's gonna change, and I dont think he's going to all of a sudden wake up a realise what he's got. He's very dedicated to his needs right now. And im okay with that. Just give me the space I need to grow. So leave. I've decided I wont sleep in the same bed. Im gonna clean up the play room and sleep there. I cant live my life waiting for the man I chose to be happy with his career, to make the money he thinks he needs to make, to wait for something spectacluar so that he can be the husband that I need. He's addmitted it, he knows he could be a better husband, but he cant give me that now, he needs to "sort" things out. So go. Go sort them and let me be. "Oh, but I dont want to hurt you.."
Mutha' f'r what do you think you're doing now? So... here I am... I need to make some dramatic changes within myself to push forward and get him out. I have to accept, that he's not my soul mate. I will miss him, and I will have regrets - after all, Im very religious and the only reason I waited this long is because of my faith. But I know, that God doesnt want me to hurt, and this is not what he had in mind when I made my vows. I can sacrifice, but I've sacrificed too much. And God knows that. He hears my prayers. He knows me. He made me.
So. Tonight, I'll sleep in the playroom. Thursday, I will plant my expensive beautiful plants in the back yard... if I cant... then I'll give them to my cousin. Friday, I will not go to financial planning with my husband - he can go on his own... I think I'll go to the movies. This weekend I will go away and visit my other cousin and let my husband handle his business. Afterall, he's getting ready for a competition and the last thing he needs is me... raging on about spending time together. After all, a plastic trophy is the most valuable thing right now... that... and his pride. I know that. I know that, and that's why Im letting him go.
The morning started rough with at least three different hurdles to overcome. In all this, I finally broke down and had a good cry. I let it out of my system and allowed myself to get angry. But not bad angry... more like adrenaline angry. I ignored the ridiculous comments by husband and Yah yah'd him along. After all, I know he doesnt have the sympathy or the answers for my problems. He tried to apologize for being all assish with me earlier when all I needed was some support, and all I could think of was that new song that came out "too little... too late" by Jojo. I got dressed in my all that attitude while he asked stupid questions like, "why did you buy more flowers? Did you know we already have those flowers in the back yard, your mom was wondering why you bought more of the same flowers... hello?" As I put on my make up I yah, yah'd him along and put on my most "damn Im fine" look in the mirror... granted I need a hair cut, im over weight, and in the middle of PMS so Im braking out all over... but none of that mattered, cause I was angry. I was a warrior destined for greatness. I just needed to remember that this was just another battle. I finished, said goodbye (as dryly as possible) and ran (literally) ran out of the house, heels and all. I probably looked like a little girl running to my car, but I didnt care, I ran for dear life. I needed to get away.
Remembering that I didnt have breakfast, I stopped and got myself some coffee and a bagel w/butter. No, its not on the weight watchers plan... but I accounted for it. I just have to watch myself the rest of the day. I decided that I wasnt gonna complain about my husband anymore and just wait. Wait for him to leave. I dont think he's gonna change, and I dont think he's going to all of a sudden wake up a realise what he's got. He's very dedicated to his needs right now. And im okay with that. Just give me the space I need to grow. So leave. I've decided I wont sleep in the same bed. Im gonna clean up the play room and sleep there. I cant live my life waiting for the man I chose to be happy with his career, to make the money he thinks he needs to make, to wait for something spectacluar so that he can be the husband that I need. He's addmitted it, he knows he could be a better husband, but he cant give me that now, he needs to "sort" things out. So go. Go sort them and let me be. "Oh, but I dont want to hurt you.."
Mutha' f'r what do you think you're doing now? So... here I am... I need to make some dramatic changes within myself to push forward and get him out. I have to accept, that he's not my soul mate. I will miss him, and I will have regrets - after all, Im very religious and the only reason I waited this long is because of my faith. But I know, that God doesnt want me to hurt, and this is not what he had in mind when I made my vows. I can sacrifice, but I've sacrificed too much. And God knows that. He hears my prayers. He knows me. He made me.
So. Tonight, I'll sleep in the playroom. Thursday, I will plant my expensive beautiful plants in the back yard... if I cant... then I'll give them to my cousin. Friday, I will not go to financial planning with my husband - he can go on his own... I think I'll go to the movies. This weekend I will go away and visit my other cousin and let my husband handle his business. Afterall, he's getting ready for a competition and the last thing he needs is me... raging on about spending time together. After all, a plastic trophy is the most valuable thing right now... that... and his pride. I know that. I know that, and that's why Im letting him go.
posted by DreamWarrior at 6:49 AM
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