Friday, October 21, 2005

Why DreamWarrior

Whenever in my life I felt bored, depressed, left out, alone, scared, etc... I would day dream... I could tune everything out and focus on nothing, but in my mind was a whole new world... on the outside, nothing, plain Jane drifting through out the hallway... but in the back of my mind, I was creating things... a new planet, a new lover, an adventure in far away countries - I imagined it all! What the smells were like, what the feelings where, what the person looked like, what he/she said, what I did in response... everything was in my mind!

I got soo good at day dreaming, even at night - that sometimes I would fall asleep and my subconscious would continue my day dreaming into my dreams... freaky aint it! I loved it!! It was my escape, my safe and naughty adventure where I could be the heroine or the villain and still be who I am, here - in the real world.

Over the years I've found that my favorite day dreams always revolved around a warrior type image... A Princess Leigha type figure who had her hero but didnt need to depend on him. I was always strong and weak at the same time, it's hard to explain. But boy... it was fun...

My hero's were of all shape and sizes, a lot of them are figures I've seen on TV or in movies, some are even real life people that I play with like puppets in my mind... what they say, what they do - are very similar to who they are in real life, but in my dreams, they are mine to play with...

For example... the other day I had a real dream that I was in a car accident, and in my dream my boss, who happened to be in the car behind me, parked his car not too far from mine and was trying to help me out... well when I woke up... I remembered the dream, and today at work during a very boring meeting, I whipped out that dream and added this really cute IT guy that I worked with. I added a very dramatic ending and an intricate plot for my death... and well, at the end of the meeting I was very happy with myself and got absolutely nothing done at work! he he!

I guess that wasn't very warrior like, but trust me, I've had some really good ones! Maybe I'll tell about them another time... I just realized that I never really told anyone about this. I dont even dare to tell my husband who's all serious and pay the bills, and clean the house, and feed the dog, ar ar! (not all the time, but mostly)... I've tried talking about it with him, dreaming, and he said that he could never remember any of the dreams he's had. I've asked him if he day dreamed and he laughed, thought it was a waist of time - better spent on the internet or reading a book, walking, hiking, something...

I'm also a believer of imaging your future, you know, taking an image of something and knowing it so well that in your life it becomes real... I guess its called Imaging... but anyway, my husband doesn't know anything about it... he reads all these business and finance books, but has no idea what it is to think of something and make it real... so, as you can imagin, I keep it to myself...

Thursday, October 20, 2005

The Start of a Blog

I've never written in a Blog before. I understand it's an open diary for anyone to read... and comment. I dont expect much will happen in my life to create responses, but who knows, maybe someone feels just the way I do, and wants to say "hi". :-)

A little about me, Im in my late 20's, married (only once), I have one child (a boy) from a previous "relationship." I bought my house before I was married, I own a used SUV and work in an office as... (get this) an administrative analyst! Not bad for someone who had a high C, just barely a B average... oh and college... still going (part time, very part time).

Lets see, Um, Im officially overweight - even though four years ago I paid top dollar (for about a year) for a personal trainer to get my butt in gear. And in gear it was!! I was hot, sexy, seductive... a lean, toned woman with dark features, a tan that would last forever, and wits as quick as can be... for the first time in my life, I felt like a woman should feel... powerful! My son enjoyed the positive new mom who took control of her life and made miracles happen... I didnt let anyone take me down - so, when I went to apply for a mortgage, I was in charge... I educated myself with all the terms, wore a business suite to the bank, tons of perfectly applied make up, and I didnt let that man behind the desk intimidate me... needless to say, six months later, I moved myself with my son into our first and current home... Nice...

Then, a friend became more than a friend - he became my lover, then my mate... and the rest is suburban history!! No Sex in the City for me... no no... not even Desperate Housewives... Just really boring Suburban Work-Home-Sleep life... my husband isnt even exciting anymore (and we're in only three years!) My son, who is my motivation, is in need of some of it (motivation) himself. And school work becomes more and more difficult, and I become his lifeline when it comes to homework...

Where did I lose my sense of Female Independence? Where did the mysterious, sexy, latina go? Am I happy with the decisions that I made? Yes... But, I wanted to keep that vivatious attitude that I had, and somewhere along the line I lost the hold of that woman and a new one emerged. A more bland woman with all the right curves, just more than a few sizes too big... The dark features became more like dark circles under my eyes.

I guess this is what my blog will be about... finding a way to find that sexy babe that once ruled her world... I thought my husband was to blame (too easy) it really was me, but what about me!?! Did I become the suburban mom slash wife by accident, or on purpose? And, why the hell did I get married?? I was having so much fun!! Single, experienced, educated - more like street and life smart - mixed with a little bit of book smart, sexy, proud, positive... Im now a shadow of my former self... overweight, depressed, clinging to my youth (even though it was only four years ago, and I haven't hit 30 yet!!)

All I know is that when I turn 30 - I want to be in the best shape of my life, return the sexy b*tch, return the positive and alluring me, and take control of my life and emotions... I want my son to be proud of his mother and think of her as some Greek Goddess (not to be worshipped- but respected for her beauty, her power, her wisdom)... My husband on the other had... he can worship the ground I walk on...!

See you later.