How a Warrior Copes

To pass the time that seems like forever... I read. Mostly romance novels. Sad, even pathetic... but true. Id like to believe that there is an undieing love waiting for me somewhere in the corners of the world. Someone destined to be mine. To fill the void that eats at my heart. So for now. I have multiple lovers from multiple books. Sad, even pathetic, but so f-n true. I have made harliquin romance novels a pretty penny in the last few months. They, of course, love me.

Im also reading and studying my college course materials, but they're so... blah. The only thing that keeps me motivated is the promise of a bigger paycheck, the key to the club. Maybe even an opportunity to frolic into "his" world. After all, "he" is educated, wealthy, incredibly handsom, you know... everything they write about in "those" books. Just pick one up, you'll see, they're all writing about the same guy. One guy for all these women. No wonder he hasnt met me yet.

Leaving

Ruff holiday. Too much detail to write, but the most important and significant account was happened after the holiday. As you can imagine, I did not see my husband Friday, Saturday, Sunday or Monday. Well, let me refrais that - I did SEE him, we just didnt talk to each other all weekend, and we avoided each other as much as possible. My family came over and they kept us busy for most of the weekend. When they left on Monday (I had off) my hubby went to work. On Tuesday night, Bebo went to his dads and I was left alone at home with the dog.

I had picked up a new book earlier and also bought myself a night light (Yay!). So I sat on the porch will all my Halloween decorations, all the purple and orange lights illuminating the small patio/porch and my book with mini booklight (yay!). My dog was sleeping on the floor by my feet and I was off in some vampire mystery love novel. It was grand. To my surprise, hubby came home. He mad some coffee which I declined and he sat down across the patio from me. He says... and get this... "We need to talk." imagine my surprise, HE wants to talk... usually its me going on and on about our relationship or our budgets, or something...!

I calmly put my book down and kept my mouth shut. This time, he went on and on about how miserable he was in the relationship and that he realized that he hasnt been putting his best effort into it and that his needs and goals right now are not with me or Bebo or making a family. To make a long onesided conversation short. He's leaving. Now let me say this. This is not the first time he's offered to leave my home. The last time, he chickened out and wanted to make it work... of course, make ME work on the relationship and he work at his J.O.B.

So I said okay. I suggested that he call his mother and ask her for help financially. And that he had until Christmas to leave. That it wasnt fair to me that he continued to use me because he was comfortable here. He agreed. Its been two days and we havent spoken, other than - "did you feed the dog." I think this time, he really is leaving. Im kind sad, but im also relieved. Actually, more sad than relieved, but I cant change anyone other than myself, and I cant force anyone to love me or SHOW love to me if they dont have it in them to do it. Im trying to keep positive about this experience although Im kinda numb about it right now.

Hero

I guess every warrior has his/her weekness. Id say one of mine is my poor eyesight. My eyes are very bad and I wear contacts 24/7 just to see. Yup, I even sleep in them. I know im not supposed to, but bad eyesight is such a weakness, I'd hate to wake up in the middle of the night for an emergency and not able to see right away. Yeah, I guess I can keep my glasses on the night stand, but the initial reaction usually aint to reach for my glasses, its to get up and get out!

A few times I've had to get up in the dead on night for what ever reason. And believe me, those were the nights when I didnt have contacts on! I can easily get my eyes fixed with a simple $5,000 procedure, I just dont have the 5K to dish out on my eyes. So, for now, contacts it is.

Well, last night there was a HORRIBLE thunderstorm. I mean really bad. The Thunder bolts dashed through the night sky like MEAN NASTY LASHINGS! Then the thunder that roared afterwards was just too loud and too violent. Violent, thats a good word to decribe the storm. Anyway, driving home from school, the rain is pounding on my car and the bright lights of the sky are a few miles away, so I cant really see them and I cant hear them. That is, until I get home. I was hoping to beat the thunder home, but we got there at the same time. Bang, thrash, roar. Blinding light, more banging, more crashing!

While I was driving home, I had my husband, but no answer (I was hoping he could go next door and pick up my son from my mom - who watches him while im at school, cause god forbid my husband should babysit a full grown nine year old boy - anyway, if he picks up my son before the rain really hit, then that would save me from carrying my fully grown nine year old boy next door in the middle of the rain and lightning storm). Nope, he wasnt home. So there I was with Mr. Lightning chuckling and laughing at me as I park in my drive way, run across the lawn (yes, I had an umbrella, but believe me - it didnt help)... rang my mothers door bell and jump inside just as he bursted out laughing at my lame attempt to keep dry.

I woke up my son, cause there was NO WAY Wonder Woman could piggie back him back home in high heels in the middle of a VIOLENT storm... I didnt want to risk it. On a dry night, I could easily lift my 100lb son on my back and carry him home (yes, with heels on). Groggy, Cranky, and full of classy whining (from the both of us), I dressed him up - put his shoes on and guided him (under the umbrella) back across the lawn to my house. My sleepy boy walked himself up the stairs and straight to bed, while I looked in distress at my kitchen (realized that my husband had not been home all day) and shrugged. F-this Im going to bed... Mr. Lighting had a different idea.

Every room in my house has windows, and the light that casted through the dark house was horrible. Oh did I mention that I have bad eyes. I think, its because of the flashing light, mixed with bad eyes, a roaring thunder, and my mothers over religous up bring - yes the world will end with thunder and fire - that I am MORBIDLY AFFRAID OF LIGHTING AND THUNDER! Where's my hero when I need one? The dog was curled in his chair and my son was fast asleep, still in his shoes, in his bed. I changed and cursed at the lighting every time it made me jump. I undressed my boy and took off his shoes. Then, I decided that he would be my hero tonight. I crawled into his full size bed and hid under the covers. He was in such a deep sleep that he didnt even notice. I went under the blankets and closed my eyes. The fan was on high to drown out any the noise from the thunder and I prayed that it (the thunder and lighting) would end. It was now midnight.

My husband came home and woke me up. "What are you doing here?" I ignored him, turned over and went back to bed. Around 2AM I here all this arguing and I realize that the TV is on WAY TOO LOUD. On purpose. I get up, remembered that there isnt an alarm in this room, and stomp grumply into my bedroom, where my husband was sound asleep, TV blaring. No thunder.

I turn off the TV and he magically wakes up and says, "Finally, your coming to bed."

"Get off me!" I yell back as he attempts to put his arms around me while I adjust the pillow and turn on the alarm. Stupid alarm. I'll have to move this to the other room.

Today he calls me at work as if nothing happened. "Did you feed the dog this morning?" Apparently, he didnt know the thunder and lighting was going on... he must have been in another country. Oh yeah, he knows how much I hate thunder and lightning. I hung up on him. I dont think he knows why Im mad, I dont think he cares. Im sure he's hanging out with buddies saying stuff like, yeah she's PMSing again. But Im not PMSing. Im just in need of a hero.

Day Three and all I can do is Vent.

On my way home from school last night, my brother called and invited me over. We sat on his bed, me with my chocolate Yooho and he with his Arizona Green Iced Tea. We mulled over lovers and relationships and I gave him the best advice I could, being that I am no winner in my own relationship. But, I hope that I did him justice and was able to at least, make him feel better.

I got home about 15 minutes to midnight and realized hubby wasnt home yet. I was tired, still wearing my heels and dress clothes from school - and not looking forward to cleaning a room just so that I can sleep on an uncomfortable futton. So, I changed, cleaned up and went to bed. Hubby, got home a little after midnight and I was in my fifth dream by the time he came to bed. I felt his weight on me and I was too tiered to fight him off, I just went back to sleep. When I woke up this morning, the bed was empty. I swear, the man gets only four hours sleep. Insomniac or something. Oh well. Wait. Just wait... oh and breathe.

Not looking forward to my class tonight, but I have to remember that going back to school was my choice and I have to stick with it. That or loose the 30,000 all ready invested in higher learning. I swear, I better damn well get a six salary income by the time im done!

Oh yeah! I forgot... I successfully completed the thirteen week Weight Watchers at Work program! Its over, and I lost... three pounds total. Well, at least I lost. I rejoined the program for another thirteen weeks. Lets see what the future holds!

A new day... Yay!

Day two: Not bad... yay!

The morning started rough with at least three different hurdles to overcome. In all this, I finally broke down and had a good cry. I let it out of my system and allowed myself to get angry. But not bad angry... more like adrenaline angry. I ignored the ridiculous comments by husband and Yah yah'd him along. After all, I know he doesnt have the sympathy or the answers for my problems. He tried to apologize for being all assish with me earlier when all I needed was some support, and all I could think of was that new song that came out "too little... too late" by Jojo. I got dressed in my all that attitude while he asked stupid questions like, "why did you buy more flowers? Did you know we already have those flowers in the back yard, your mom was wondering why you bought more of the same flowers... hello?" As I put on my make up I yah, yah'd him along and put on my most "damn Im fine" look in the mirror... granted I need a hair cut, im over weight, and in the middle of PMS so Im braking out all over... but none of that mattered, cause I was angry. I was a warrior destined for greatness. I just needed to remember that this was just another battle. I finished, said goodbye (as dryly as possible) and ran (literally) ran out of the house, heels and all. I probably looked like a little girl running to my car, but I didnt care, I ran for dear life. I needed to get away.

Remembering that I didnt have breakfast, I stopped and got myself some coffee and a bagel w/butter. No, its not on the weight watchers plan... but I accounted for it. I just have to watch myself the rest of the day. I decided that I wasnt gonna complain about my husband anymore and just wait. Wait for him to leave. I dont think he's gonna change, and I dont think he's going to all of a sudden wake up a realise what he's got. He's very dedicated to his needs right now. And im okay with that. Just give me the space I need to grow. So leave. I've decided I wont sleep in the same bed. Im gonna clean up the play room and sleep there. I cant live my life waiting for the man I chose to be happy with his career, to make the money he thinks he needs to make, to wait for something spectacluar so that he can be the husband that I need. He's addmitted it, he knows he could be a better husband, but he cant give me that now, he needs to "sort" things out. So go. Go sort them and let me be. "Oh, but I dont want to hurt you.."

Mutha' f'r what do you think you're doing now? So... here I am... I need to make some dramatic changes within myself to push forward and get him out. I have to accept, that he's not my soul mate. I will miss him, and I will have regrets - after all, Im very religious and the only reason I waited this long is because of my faith. But I know, that God doesnt want me to hurt, and this is not what he had in mind when I made my vows. I can sacrifice, but I've sacrificed too much. And God knows that. He hears my prayers. He knows me. He made me.

So. Tonight, I'll sleep in the playroom. Thursday, I will plant my expensive beautiful plants in the back yard... if I cant... then I'll give them to my cousin. Friday, I will not go to financial planning with my husband - he can go on his own... I think I'll go to the movies. This weekend I will go away and visit my other cousin and let my husband handle his business. Afterall, he's getting ready for a competition and the last thing he needs is me... raging on about spending time together. After all, a plastic trophy is the most valuable thing right now... that... and his pride. I know that. I know that, and that's why Im letting him go.

Always Starting Fresh

I occured to me that I dont keep a diary - regardless how many journals are scattered througout my house. I also buy them too. Im addicted to their blank pages and fancy covers. Addicted to the idea that its a fresh start. There here, in these blank pages lay the story of my life. Who I am. Who I want to be. All I need to do, is fill them, and express myself, tell the world how I feel. But I never do. To date I have about 12 journals, all begun, never finished.

Then I remembered... "oh yeah, I have a blog." Which, my last entry was in April 2006 and not even posted... its still in draft. The sadness, is that in reading that draft, it occurred to me that in a year and half, not much has changed. And in that lays my fear. Boredom, Drabby-ness (if thats a word) and contemptment. Maybe that's why my journals are never full. Believe me, its not because Im not emotional or dont have anything going on... I do... boy do I! Im a rollercoaster of emotions wound up in large latin overly passionate woman. A passion that is not full filled in my marriage (that's fo' sure). A passion that IS showered onto my son, my dog, and my home. My job, my art, and NOT my writing (obviously).

So here it is... a fresh start. I hope to write daily (not to add to my already large laundry list of things to do). But to learn and grow. And maybe to find an answer to all the questions that are jumbled up in my head screaming to get out and find solutions.

Chow for now.

Dream to Reality

I cant remember when it was, maybe February. But, the line was drawn. I weighed in at 182lbs!! The heaviest I have ever been... I didnt even reach that weight when I was nine months pregnant! That's when my brain clicked. I stopped looking towards my husband for support and motivation. I knew it wasnt going to come. I took the bull by the horns and ran full speed.

I joined the gym where I work (which happens to be an Army base). And I started running once a week to build endurance. I would wake up early and do 1/2 hour at the local gym (by my house) of the EFX machine. Really lite stuff. Three times a week I would weight train. So here we are two months later and my routine has changed slightly. I still cant get the weight training down packed, and I've started running twice a week during lunch on those days that I dont weight train. Im having a really hard time waking up early, but I'll do so once or twice a week.

Oh, and I've started Kung Fu training. Nothing hard core, its really more technique work than anything... no sparing yet... I have to earn my white belt. My son is also doing this with me, which works out great for him. Its encouraging and plus we push each other. You have to see us in the livingroom - its a riot! My son will be nine in May and we're quite the pair!

So, the update is that Im down to 178, but I've been 178 for three weeks now. Im thinking its a diet issue. I'll have to start a stricter diet. I was following the routine that I did many years ago, only to realize that it doesnt work anymore... I've lowered my weights and increased the reps, and running twice a week is something new... and of course Kung Fu is new too.

I think once I start the new diet, I'll buy myself the poster of Wonder Woman that Alex Ross did. Its a full size poster that I can put over my door in my bedroom and look at every day. Talk about motivation!!

The point is, Im tiered of Dreaming of the Warrior and I want her to become a reality. I really do, and I know that no matter how much imaging I do, I'll never become that person unless I take a few steps... or sign up for an episode of "The Swan" which wont help either because I'll be beautiful, but that's not enough. Its the training that makes you a warrior... and as a result of the training, I'll be beautiful!!

TTFN!!